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No commentsBy Dr. Jennifer Baxt, DMFT, NCC, DCC
When most couples get married, there are few negative thoughts that will enter their minds; least of all is substance abuse. Most believe that when they get married, they will generally have a good marriage. Unfortunately, this is not always the case and many marriages will suffer difficulties, including problems with substance abuse. People change over time, so it is not always something that can be predicted, but it can happen. Stresses build, life becomes darker and this is where substance abuse can enter. It may not be noticed at first, but it will be when it becomes a full addiction that changes the husbands or wifes behavior, attitude and personality. When this does happen, it can leave the spouse without the addiction unsure of what to do next.
Can they help their partner? Should they leave or would that be wrong? How much is too much to put up with? They love this person, they care for them, but they dont think they can keep going through it; would it be selfish to leave the spouse who refuses to change and live their own life? These are just four examples of the many questions that enter ones mind. There is also the fear that can play into the situation, depending on what they feel they have to lose if they leave their addicted spouse. The fear involved can also depend on how verbally and/or physically abusive the spouse with the addiction can be. There is also the concern of the children, if there are any, especially if they are younger children under the age of twelve because they are incredibly impressionable during their younger years.
Dealing with such a situation is extremely stressful and draining. It is not one that anyone wants to experience, but many do around the world every day. At first, many will try and help their husband or wife fight their addiction; sometimes they are successful, other times they are not. Many will live in the situation for many years, while some will leave after a short time. It all depends on how long someone wants to, and can, try and put up with the situation and make the marriage work.
Going through such an experience is not only unnerving; it is confusing, frustrating and painful. It can make the victim feel very alone in the world and at a loss of what to do. Time stops for them and they are suddenly not living at all, just going through the motions every day, walking on eggshells and hoping that things will get better. What many dont realize, is that there is someone they can talk to. They even have access to an online counselor if they did a quick search online for online counselors. Online therapists are there to talk with anyone who asks for their help. They will work with the patient and help to guide them through their difficulties. Online therapy can be extremely beneficial to anyone who needs to find some direction in their life and decide on what they should do, because it can help them take some time out and seek out what they truly feel they should do.
Jennifer Baxt, works with people who are having trouble with their credit and want to improve their score. We offer solutions to credit problems by removing negative items from credit reports. You can visit our website http://www.creditrepairbydrjen.com for more information.
How To Speak Up To an Abusive and Intimidating Colleague
By maureen collins
Many people work with abusive and intimidating colleagues. The situation is especially difficult when they are in positions of seniority. Speaking up carries the risk that you will damage your career. Keeping quiet carries the risk that you will damage your health!
Most of us start out by putting up with abusive behaviour. Confronting it is too difficult and the stakes are too high. As time goes on we become stressed; we are permanently exhausted; we dread going to work. Eventually we ask for a transfer or leave the company. Less often we explode with pent up frustration and anger.
While confronting abusive people is always difficult, it is possible to set up a conversation where you can safely speak about how you feel and then ask that you talk through the problem.
Consider a situation where one of the executives in your organisation is constantly finding fault with your work and criticizing you in front of others. You do not understand where this is coming from and you find it hard not to be defensive. You decide to talk to him. You know it will be a difficult conversation because he is touchy and likely to blow up at the least provocation.
Keep in mind that you are having the conversation to clear the air and put your relationship onto a better footing. You might even find the person is surprised by your reaction and had no idea he was coming over as intimidating. Also remember that in some way you might be part of the problem!
First decide exactly what you are going to confront. You have to choose between talking about the pattern of the behaviour, or describing just one example. In this case, it would be safer to choose one instance and hope that he will pick up on your feelings about his behaviour as a whole.
A safe question that would get you started could be: Can I talk to you about something that is concerning me. This opening draws his attention to the conversation and sets a serious tone, without going into the content of the issue.
Then be very clear and specific about the behaviour that is upsetting you. If you choose one example of behaviour, speak up soon after it occurs, when you both have a clear memory of what was said. Keep it short. A long list of what he said or did will start to sound like an accusation and risk your getting an explosive reaction.
You might say: This morning when you gave me feedback on my project report you did so at my desk in front of the team. When you raised your voice, I noticed others looking over at us.
When you have described the behaviour that you find upsetting, describe how you feel about it. Choose your words carefully and use them tentatively. You could say: Maybe you do not intend this but sometimes I feel like you think I am incompetent.
Then invite the person to talk to you. You could use a very open question such as: How do you see it? Or you could be even less confrontational and say: Is there something I do that is creating the situation between us?
Listen very carefully to their reply. You may find it difficult to acknowledge that their view of the situation differs widely from yours and you may feel defensive if you are told that your own behaviour is at fault.
There are always two sides to a story. You will only get to the bottom of a problem when you have heard both of them. Then you can decide what can be done to resolve the situation.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za
How to Free Your Partner and Why is it So Difficult?
By Vicka Tanski
In every relationship there are permitted and forbidden things. Sometimes we decide what are that things together with our partner and sometimes just in our mind.
How do we decide where the edge is and how much we can free our lover?
It depends on how much we love OURSELVES. It’s not a mistake, I really mean us. There is no connection to how much we love our partner.
The real reason to difficulty to free is FEAR:
1) We are afraid that our lover will enjoy the freedom and all the things that he meet there and will not want any more to come back to us.
2) When he/she enjoy someone very attractive from the opposite gender, it can be difficult because all we’ll see: I’m not good enough, or beautiful enough.
3) When we believe that we are not whole and not completed, we will want our partner to fill that lack. We will try to keep them close, because if they go we will have to face that hole inside, that lack of self love. And it can be painful.
But think, do you really want to be with someone, who stays with you only because he has no choice? Or
with one who is with you because he wants to?
Do you think that anything someone does can really heart you? It can’t even touch you!
All your feelings are just a reaction to judgment of the situation, to your thoughts. The reaction to the stories you are telling to yourself about what is happening. Stop to believe to that stupid stories and the suffering will disappear.
When you realize that all you are afraid of is unreal, that it’s only in your mind, there will not be any problem to free your partner. It’s absolutely his own business what he has in his life except you. Just as it’s your business what you are doing with yourself and with your life.
Be one with another to celebrate, not to run away from yourself. When the relationship comes from the right place, there is no problem to free one another. You don’t depend on anyone to feel great.
To get more practical tips on living in spiritual, mental and financial freedom, sign up to my newsletter here: http://www.The-Way-to-Freedom.com/?ref=jshtfy3
To your freedom,
Vicka Tanski.
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Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 at 10:40 am and is filed under relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
